i think pilates makes me manic.
i just asked the big man upstairs to give me a little help.
i opened up one book and it said not to worry and fear, but to put my trust in God. the other was the Bible, and it opened up to II Kings 12. it is a story about king jehoash who followed in God’s path until later on in his life. then money came and all things were ruined. it’s funny how a man’s entire life was written in one chapter. he wasn’t worthy enough to be remembered because his life was summed up into an entire lifetime of money and how it didn’t do anyone any good whatsoever.
for me, these were two very big signs. i need to trust in God and i need to do what i love and stop worrying about success and money. i need to trust that what God has placed in my heart (music) will make me content and whether i be rewarded with money or just happiness, everything is good. my son was a gift and the best gift anyone could have ever given to me. and that was from the big man. i need to be thankful and just live my life and stop worrying about success and who’s done what before me and better than me.
God has truly blessed me. i need to be thankful and stop worrying about what i don’t have. if i’m not happy with what i have now, i’ll never be happy. i’m coming to terms with that.
Every day counts right? So then why do some days i feel as though I am wasting away my time? Not that I’m doing that today but I think if I am having many spare hours I should be using my time wisely. But when is too much too much?
More recently I have been feeling almost burned out. My therapist warned me about this saying that I need to take care of myself. I have a new rule that every Sunday possible I should rest. If God rested on the seventh day, so should I. Life is too short to be burned out.
Frank also told me that I should not keep myself too busy. My answer to him of me staying away from depression a while back was to keep my mind occupied. I believe many people who suffer from bipolar do this, especially mothers. We have to multitask like crazy and keep sanity by our sides like another child. But what happens when you reach a certain age and are physically unable to continue your rigorous tasks and hobbies? You become burned out he says. And depression is waiting right there for you as it has been all along. I dont want to be that person.
I know I’m only 26, on the verge of 27, but a decade or two will creep up on me. My moods swings will still be there and danger will lie ahead. Now is the time to train myself to not become too overwhelmed. I’ve been getting more depressed these days but after my first break in a long time this past Sunday, I felt refreshed on Monday. Is that seriously all I needed? How annoying how long it took me to figure out the solution.
Frank is usually right; I’m just too stubborn to listen.